


Drowning

by Jaylah



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: 13 reasons why, Clony - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2018-10-19 06:02:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10633755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaylah/pseuds/Jaylah
Summary: It had been a year since Hannah had passed away. Things had mostly returned to the way they were but the thing was, it never really could. Clay Jensen had not been the same. None of the people on the tapes had been the same. All changed by the tapes and by Hannah's voice. They had all changed, but were still desperately trying to cling to what once had been. Clay, completely shattered by the events had often sought the comfort of his best friend Tony, much the same as it always had been, but now this was about to change too.





	1. Tony

The sun shone brightly and I blinked trying to see across the road from me without being blinded by the bright light. The school bell had just rang and Clay would be getting out of the building soon. The building that seemed to have so many memories, most of them bad because of the dark absence of Hannah around every corner. Clay. A dark cloud seemed to hang heavily over the gangly boy everywhere he went now. Dark bags under his eyes, the scar on his forehead standing out even more than when it was still a wound. Clay Jensen was still struggling every day and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to do something, anything and everything but it never seemed enough to lift his spirit. 

For a moment I closed my eyes, attempting to think back to the day they had climbed the boulder and Clay had shouted, for a moment his eyes lighting up and I knew he had been invincible then. Only if for a second. I knew there and then that I loved him. As a friend, as something more. This past year I had tried to put my back to it and move on. For a while with Brad, and then alone. But it was hard. Seeing the one you loved struggling for air, always drowning, always sinking. I opened my eyes and saw Clay approaching me. We had this pattern now. I would always be waiting for him in the afternoon after the last school bell, every day. Unfailingly. Most times Clay got in the car and we drove around before I brought him back home. Some days he just gestured to his bike silently and sped off alone. I didn't mind. Clay approached the car, his dark green sweater creased and his eyebrows furrowed.

'Clay. Want a ride?'

'Sure, Tony.'

I nodded silently and moved to the drivers seat, not bothering to put on music. Clay would do it if he wanted to. I changed gears and sped off. For a moment sighing heavily before eyeing the boy next to me out of the corner of my eyes. This was a bad day. I could see it.

'Clay, I.'

'Please, Tony. Let's just drive in silence.'

I nodded and took a sharp left, heading towards the outskirts of town. We passed the cliff Clay had almost jumped off, but I didn't slow down. Not wanting to remember that particular event. We were silent for a while and I listened to the slow breaths of the boy next to me. 

'Where are we going?'

'On a walk.'

'Not a climbing experience again, right?'

I snorted. Even in his bad mood Clay always managed to be surprisingly funny. I just shook my head and focused on the road. Clay was on my mind 24/7 these days. The only time I got to take off from it was when I was working on my car. Even in my dreams the doe-eyed teen haunted me. Not that I slept often. Clay had made it a habit to call me awake at night after another nightmare about Hannah. My thoughts were interrupted, and as if Clay knew I was thinking about that he spoke up. 

'The nightmares are getting worse. She keeps asking me to go away, I want to stay. I try to stay but these invisible strings pull me out of the room and there is nothing I can do as she bleeds to death in front of my eyes. Will it ever stop?'

'I-eh. I don't know Clay.'

I didn't. Both of us knew this seemed to be a new part of Clay's life now. Much like everything in his life it seemed to evolve around Hannah. I felt a pang of pain in my chest. I knew I shouldn't be jealous but for a moment I felt nothing but envy for the long since passed girl. 

'My mom is forcing me to take these anti anxiety meds, and antidepressants.'

'Are you taking them?'

'No. What if it makes me forget her?'

'You could never forget her, Clay. It's not possible. Neither of us ever will.'

I sighed and parked on the side of the road, to our right was a meadow surrounded by woods. The perfect place for a walk. I got out of the car and waited for Clay to follow me. We took off in silence and I made sure to stay close to Clay, but not as close as to touch. I had always been careful with that. Always letting Clay be the one initiating. Especially after I told him I was gay. Clay had been so surprised where I had been so sure everyone knew. I had dated Ryan, Brad. How could it be any more obvious? But Clay was oblivious as always. Oblivious to me being gay and oblivious to me loving him. I could hardly blame him for it, I knew every waking thought was spent on Hannah. Always on Hannah. I knew Clay wasn't gay, I had never seen anything that would suggest. I thought back to the moment he found out. 

'You mean with the tapes and all, and not in a romantic way?'

'Sure.'

That exact 'sure' was the most difficult thing I ever had to say. I wanted to, desperately so, tell him I liked him, I loved him and I would do anything for him. I had been so nervous, sweating, not able to look him in the eye. I felt as if that sure had come out as a mere whisper. But Clay never commented on it, seemingly content with the answer and moving on. I was sort of glad our dynamic hadn't changed after that, and sort of upset. If I had more balls, maybe it could have been something more.

'Tony?'

'Yeah, Clay?'

'How did you know you liked guys?'


	2. Clay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been a year since Hannah had passed away. Things had mostly returned to the way they were but the thing was, it never really could. Clay Jensen had not been the same. None of the people on the tapes had been the same. All forever changed by Hannah's voice ringing in their ears. Shattering the deafening silence of their long nights. They all had changed, but were still desperately clinging on to what once had been. Clay, completely shattered by the events had often sought the comfort of his best friend Tony, but now this was about to change too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last time:
> 
> 'How did you know you liked guys?'

I had uttered the words before realizing what they would bring on. I felt ashamed for never even having thought of asking it before. These past few years had been just Hannah, Hannah and more Hannah until every waking moment -and even when asleep- was spent on the curly haired young woman. I knew as much as all the others that even though Hannah wanted to move us, change us, we couldn't just keep wallowing in the pits of despair the tapes caused. Tony had been with me through thick and thin and I had been nothing but ungrateful. My cheeks heated up at that. Sweet Tony. Always watching, protecting. I eyed the young man, his face as stoic as ever but his mouth slightly opened and sweat gleaming on his forehead from the heat of the sun. I waited, and finally he spoke. 

'I've known for a long time. It just made sense. I wasn't attracted to girls, and I was to guys.'

Never one for lengthy explanations. Simple, direct and honest. I could appreciate that about him. If he wasn't bossing me around. Well, I even liked that. It felt natural. I glanced around the forest, it was quiet, and peaceful. I had to strain my ears to hear the bustle of the city and I found that I hardly missed it. It was hot and I debated taking off my sweater but then I stumbled, tripping on a small rock in front of me. In moments I felt a warm hand on my upper arm, yanking me back up against a solid chest. Tony.

'Thanks'

'You need to be more careful Clay.'

'I know.'

Maybe I was mistaken, but I felt Tony squeeze my upper arm lightly before letting go. I breathed shakily. I had been so lost in thought, and once again Tony was there to save me. 

'Tony?'

'Yeah, Clay?'

'Thank you.'

'You already said that.'

'No. I-I mean for everything you've done this past year. I never said thanks once. Not with your support with the tapes, not for allowing me to call you in the middle of the night, not for anything. I really am grateful.'

'Don't worry about it Clay.'

Tony wasn't looking me in the eye. Instead staring at a point dead ahead. I searched his face for clues as to what he was thinking but I found none. His mouth was curled up in the slightest hint of a smile and his slicked back hair gleamed in the sunlight. How did he always manage to look this good? I knew I looked like utter and total shit, before I had hardly cared about my looks, only when Hannah was around. Now it was a matter of pulling on the least smelling sweater and rubbing my eyes twice before heading out. Tony was in many ways the total opposite of me, and I couldn't help but like that about him. The sun was setting by now and I realized we had walked for quite a while. 

'Let's turn around and get you home.'

We headed back in the way we came in silence. I didn't mind the silence that much. Most of the past year had been spent in silence between us. We talked when we felt like it and that suited both of us well it seemed, but I could feel something had changed. These past few days I had been on a quest to 'move on' well, as much as that was possible with Hannah haunting me every step I took and every corner I turned. Maybe focusing on strengthening the bond between me and Tony would help. He was after all one of the few people I had left with the deaths of both Hannah and Jeff. 

'I don't think I remember why you and Brad broke up. You seemed happy with him?'

'Why the sudden interest, Clay?'

'I don't know. I just feel I don't know you all that well. Which is weird since we're friends and we spend a lot of time together.'

I felt hot in my sweater, combined with the rising redness on my cheeks I must look like a mess to Tony. Why did I care anyway? Tony didn't seem to care how I looked. He sometimes made a remark that I looked tired, or bad. But never in a way that made me feel terrible. Tony had stopped dead in his tracks, which I only realized after a few more steps back into the direction of the car. I stopped as well, turning to face the dark haired boy. 

'It was because I liked someone else, and he knew it. As terrible as it sounds.'

Tony looked me dead in the eye now, after sizing me up and down. His face still stoic and much like a marble statue I had once seen in France. I looked into his eyes as well, struggling to come up with words. I was too afraid to ask, not sure if knowing who he liked would make me feel better or worse. 

'Oh.'

We stood, facing each other for what seemed like hours. Neither of us uttering a word, and the sun setting slowly. The fading rays of sun illuminated Tony's face and made his tanned skin glow warmly. I felt as if he wanted to say something, but I couldn't be sure. Finally, the boy in front of me broke the silence and started walking again. 

'We'll leave that story for another time, Clay. Let's get you home.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, those who read the first chapter and a special thanks to those who commented. I'm glad you guys enjoyed it! I was struggling with writing from Clay's perspective way more than from Tony's but I feel like the story needs both sides to work. So I hope you like it. Let me know what you think!


	3. Tony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last time: 'We'll leave that story for another time, Clay. Let's get you home.'
> 
> // Hope you guys like it. It's moving a bit slowly but I'll pick up the pace soon!

I made sure not to let Clay notice just how nervous I had been back in the woods. Sweat had run over my back in torrents and I was sure Clay must've noticed something. The intense staring match hadn't done anything to keep my secret safe either. For a moment I thanked the gods for having made Clay so oblivious to everything but I knew the charade wasn't meant to last. For my peace of mind I needed to come clean sooner rather than later. I was more than content being Clay's friend but the itching feeling under my skin that yearned for Clay became bigger by the day. It was dark now, the streetlights having turned on and the roads quiet. I drove a little harder than I was supposed to do. I never did that but for now I needed it to clear my mind. 

'You know Tony, we're not on a racing circuit.'

I suddenly remembered Jeff, and that Clay had seen the boy in the car wreck. I slowed down in an instant, fear rising up my chest. I really needed to be more careful. Next to me Clay relaxed again and was now looking out of the window. The shabby houses -much like the one I lived in- had made way for pretty suburban mansions. Clay's parents weren't poor, that was for sure. Just a few more blocks and then Clay would be home. My eyes drifted to Clay's lap, where his hands were. Soft, unlike mine, small. Everything about him made me want to protect him with my life. As if Clay always needed saving and I was the only one allowed to do it. I felt a need to claim him, as silly as it sounded. Sweet Clay. 

'You alright?'

'Of course Clay.'

I pulled up in front of the Jensen house and waited for the gangly boy next to me to move. He didn't. He was sitting there, looking at the house and then at me. As if debating whether or not to go home or stay with me. His eyes were big, the streetlight illuminating his features. The scar looked softer in this light, less menacing. I wanted to run my finger over it. 

'I'm not sure I...'

'You want me to stay for a while?'

My heart warmed when I saw how his cheeks tinted slightly pink in embarrassment. Before he could answer I got out of the car, grabbing my leather jacket with me. Clay followed suit silently. I eyed the window on the first floor.

'Want me to climb up or?'

'No just come on in, I'm tired of hiding things.'

After the tapes that didn't surprise me. Clay had always valued honesty, no matter how difficult it was. I appreciated that, having hidden things more than once. Even for Clay, the boy I loved with all my heart. Perhaps that was why I liked him so much. So sweet and honest. Always forgiving, and always feeling wholeheartedly. I could barely grasp the extent of how heavy he felt things. A blessing and a burden. Clay had climbed the steps to the front door and let us in. The lights were off downstairs, I couldn't hear his parents. I flicked on the light of the kitchen and we examined the note there. 

Dinner in the fridge, we're at Grannies.

'You should eat, Clay.'  


I worried about him. He only ate when others told him to. He looked even skinnier than this time last year and the lack of sleep wasn't helping either. 

'So should you.'

'Sure.'

I settled at the kitchen table as Clay rummaged through the fridge, pulling out several plates. Everything was served cold so all he had to do was settle it on the table and grab some plates and knives for us. We ate in silence and I could feel Clay's eyes burning holes in the side of my head the entire time. I ignored it at first but it didn't stop. 

'What's up, Clay?'

He was silent for the longest time, and I searched his face. Eyebrows furrowed and his lips curled in a slight pout as if he was thinking about something extremely difficult. My eyes traveled down his neck and arms. His hands were balled up in fists, tightly clenched. I was beginning to get a little worried.

'Clay?'

'I. I'm just. I don't know.'

'What can I do?'

I wanted to, desperately so, grasp his hand or hug him tightly but I didn't dare doing so. I didn't want to make him feel worse than he was already feeling. I remembered the time on the cliff where I hugged him tightly, letting him cry out. He had clung onto me then, as if I was his lifeline. The only thing that kept him from drowning. I wanted to be his lifeline, and maybe I needed to be as well. To keep myself from drowning. Tears were forming in Clay's eyes and I immediately shot up, despite the promise to myself not to touch him unless initiated by Clay himself I pulled him in my arms hugging him close to me. It took him a few seconds before I felt him wrap his arms around me as well. 

'It's okay Clay, let it out.'

I felt tears wetting the front of my t-shirt, but it didn't matter. I hugged him closer and rubbed his back. Closing my eyes and basking in the feeling. There was no need to talk about it now, he couldn't just yet. He needed to calm down first. Stroking his back calmed me down too. I wanted to know what was wrong as much as I knew not to push him to tell. His frame shook and he clenched his fists in my shirt. I didn't mind. I never would with Clay. Minutes passed, hours maybe. I lost track of time. Though, slowly but surely Clay quieted down and the wails turned to soft sniffles. I pulled back, my arms still around him and my face close to his. A trail of tears ran past his cheek and I wiped it away with my thumb before I could stop myself. 

'Thanks...'

'No need to thank me, Clay. Let's get you to bed.'

Clay nodded mutely as I pulled him out of his chair and led him upstairs. He pulled off his sweater and jeans before crawling into bed silently. I stood, hovering above him for a moment. Should I stay? No. It was weird to stay. I couldn't. Clay's eyes were still opened, and watching me closely. 

'Sleep well.'

I turned around to head back out, my hand on the light switch. Lingering. 

'Tony?'

'Yeah?'

'W-would you mind staying until I fall asleep?'


	4. Clay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long! I'm really struggling with writing from Clay's perspective. I'll be working on that a bit. And maybe I'll choose to write a little more from Tony's perspective. 
> 
> Last time: 'W-would you mind staying until I fall asleep?'

The next morning I was awoken by a loud bang on the door. I shot upright, banging my head against the sloped ceiling above my bed. There was no trace of Tony except the lingering smell of his musky cologne. I hadn't slept this good in days. Weeks even. Was it all because of Tony? 

'Clay, sweetie. School starts in half an hour. Get moving!'

I nodded, then realizing my mom wouldn't be able to see it through the closed door. Closed. The open door policy wasn't really working out too well. Maybe Tony left before my parents woke. I glanced around for my phone. Maybe he had left a text. Nothing. I sighed, suddenly wanting to know where he was and if he was okay. He'd probably be at school. It was Friday now, and soon it would be weekend. I dreaded weekend as much as I loved it, while the school hallways were haunted by Hannah's presence, the classes were also a welcome distraction. In the weekends there wasn't a lot of distractions. Tony was usually working at the shop on saturday, but on sundays they sometimes went touring across the city. 

'Clay!'

'Coming, mom. Just a second.'

I quickly changed in clothes that weren't as smelly and grabbed my backpack before trodding downstairs, the sight I found there surprised me. 

'Tony?'

'Hey Clay.'

'Look how sweet, Tony brought you breakfast to go and a ride to school. Now go before you make Tony late as well.'

I stood there, dumbstruck. How? He had? And huh? I realized that my mouth was open and my expression must be just as stupid as I felt. Tony left before my parents woke, only to come back again, with breakfast. Tony grabbed me by the arm, pulling me towards the front door. I let him, slightly taken aback by how warm his hand was, and how gentle his touch. We got to his Mustang and I wasted no time settling in the passengers seat. Moments later Tony got in as well. The silence was deafening. Tony dropped the bag of food on my lap and began speeding towards school. I cleared my throat, suddenly nervous. Tony had spent the entire night and for some reason it hadn't felt like any regular sleepover. But what did it feel like. I was about to mentally slap myself, hoping to get some information out of my brain dead self when Tony spoke up.

'Did you sleep well? Sorry I had to take off without a note. I needed to take care of some things before school.'

'What things?'

'Nothing for you to worry about.'

Tony wasn't looking at me, but focusing on the road ahead. His eyebrows were furrowed and he looked to be in quite a bad mood. It surprised my, Tony wasn't the type for it. And it made me wonder what had transpired in the past few hours. His hands were clenched around the steering wheel and his hair looked slightly disheveled. 

'Eat your breakfast, Clay.'

'Don't you want...'

'I already had some. Now eat, we're at school in a few minutes.'

I wanted to, desperately so, ask him what was wrong but his entire attitude made me refrain from doing so. I was worried. Not a little bit, but a lot. Was it because he had to stay with me the entire night? Was I taking up too much of his time? Or was it something else? I decided to do as Tony told me and ate the bagel that was inside the paper bag. Minutes later we pulled into the parking lot. It was a rainy day today and the sunshine from yesterday had made way for dark clouds and spatters of rain here and there. Tony wasted no time getting out of the car and I followed suit silently. We didn't have a lot of classes together except sports. First period history for me usually was first period science for him. We entered the school and I nearly tripped over a small backpack, Tony grasped my shoulder to steady me, he let go again soon after. 

'I'll see you around, Clay.'

What was going on? I watched Tony's broad leather clad back as he disappeared into the crowd of teenagers, never once looking back. I had rarely seen Tony this grumpy. I knew, as much as anybody else, that if Tony didn't want to talk about it he wouldn't tell. Tony only shared what Tony wanted to share and there was no way of changing that. Ever. Several people bumped into me as I still stood exactly where Tony had left me in the middle of the hallway. A shiver traveled down my spine. What was wrong? Before I could dive inside my memories for any clues as to why my best friend was acting like this the bell rang and I had to hurry to get to the other side of the building to make it in time for history. I almost tripped several times as the hallways emptied slowly. Just as I rounded the last corner somebody spoke up. 

'Wait. Hey, wait. Clay!'


	5. Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took so long. Had some bad news about my dog and my health hasn't been too well either. I do hope you guys enjoy this chapter! I'll be working on getting a headstart with more chapters so I have something to upload even when I don't have time to write. Let me know what you think! 
> 
> Last time: 'Wait. Hey, wait. Clay!'

The day passed in a daze and without even realizing it I found myself in the last class of the day. Calculus. My mind still raced a thousand miles per hour and was thinking about everything except the textbook in front of me. The words blurred as I tried to focus on them, the murmur of my talking classmates drowned out by a soft ringing in my ear. This morning, while I had been sleeping soundly close to Clay, my eldest brother had texted me. Something was wrong. And whenever he did something stupid all of us would have to pay for it. I wouldn't be family if I didn't do it. I loved and appreciated my family too much not to help out but this was another thing entirely. I sighed. It had felt so good to be able to take care of Clay, and it had been such a relieve when he slept soundly but all of it seemed less beautiful by the events of this early morning. I clenched my fists, my fingers already bruising. I hoped I had hidden it well from Clay. Silently thanking the gods for his obliviousness once more. I felt dirty, as if I needed a long shower to rid myself of this feeling. Or, a hug. A hug from Clay would do as well but I knew that wouldn't happen. The chatter around me rose to a high pitched wave of noise and I had to keep myself from clasping my hands over my ears in annoyance. I rested my head in my hands instead. Wishing for the hour to be done. Then I could see Clay again, and hopefully try to forget. I tried to drown out the noise by listening how the drops of rain hit the glass of the windows. Tap tap tap. The murmur quieted down and I was able to focus. Just as I wanted to start on the homework the bell rang and all around me my classmates hurried out of the classroom. I wasn't in much of a hurry today, preferring to avoid the thick crowd of teenagers and make my way out of the building in silence. By the time I made it to my Mustang the parking lot had all but emptied out. I looked around for Clay. Not seeing him anywhere. I got nervous. Where was he? I got out my phone, no texts. Without hesitating I dialed Clay's number.

'Hey, this is Clay.'

'Clay, I...'

'I'm not around at the moment but leave your message after the tone.'

'Shit.'

I tried texting him afterwards, fear rising even more. I should've kept better tabs on him. I shouldn't have been so occupied with myself and my damned troubles. I tried to calm my nerve but the need to hit something in sight grew every second. I needed to calm down. I took a few deep breaths and then got into the car, starting the engine and speeding off. Maybe he was walking home. Maybe he was already home. I took the route Clay always took when he was riding his bike, but as closely as I looked there was no Clay in sight, and soon enough I came to a halt in front of his house. I opened the door and shot out of my car, not having looked if the road was clear. A loud honk woke me from my worried daze and I flung myself against the Mustang, nearly avoiding a car. Shit! My heart raced as the old jeep nearly avoided me and the opened door of my Mustang. Too close, way too close for comfort. I took another deep breath. I needed to be level headed about this, I needed to think clearly otherwise I was never going to find Clay. Not in a state like this, not with all that had happened today already. I strode up the steps to the front door of the Clay residence and rung the doorbell. Silence. I rung again and this time there was some movement. A few moments later Clay's dad opened the door. 

'Tony! What a welcome surprise. Isn't Clay with you?'

For a moment I debated telling him that I didn't know where Clay was and that I hadn't found a way to contact him yet. I had hoped, and wished he was just at home but that was not the case. 

'I, eh. I wanted to see if Clay had time to work on our new science project.'

'I guess he's out. I haven't heard from him but I'll be sure to let him know you stopped by when he gets back.'

'I'd appreciate that.'

'Tony?'

'Yes?'

'Are you alright? You look a bit shaken.'

'I'm alright. Thank you for your concern.'

I forced a smile and then turned around and hurried back to the Mustang. I wasn't alright. Everything about this day was wrong and now I had no idea where Clay was. I got into the car and rested my head on the steering wheel, sighing and forcing back tears before they could spill from my eyes. I needed to get a hold of myself, but Clay was just too damn important. I hadn't realized I was in this so deep, I knew I liked him. I knew I loved him but I had no idea it went this far. Goddamn it. Where are you, Clay?


	6. Clay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last time: Goddamn it. Where are you, Clay?
> 
> Sorry it took so long! Hope you guys like it. c:

'I'm not sure. I need to think about this.'

'Clay, I...'

'No, it's alright Sheri.'

Was it alright? Of all things that could happen today I wasn't expecting this to happen. It had been weeks, if not months since I last spoke to Sheri. Things had quieted down after the tapes and I had made it a point not to go looking for trouble, but I should've known better. I never was able to stay out of trouble, no matter how much I wanted it. What were her motives? Did she just want to get a clean slate? Have me forgive her. Did she want my friendship, or something more? Judging by the fading light, we must've missed all our classes in school. I briefly wondered how it was possible we were here for so long. Sheri had done most of the talking, but even she was silent most of the time, somewhat haunted by the Presence of Hannah. Hannah. Sigh. I watched her grave. Months. Almost a year. The grave looked like it had been here since the beginning of time. The color on the stone already fading, and the weather settling into its pores. There was a fresh bouquet of flowers, the kind she liked. I suspected her mother did it. The wind picked up, and rumbling sounded in the distance. 

'I think we should go.'

'I'll walk.'

'Clay, it's a long walk. I'd be perfectly happy to get you...'

'No, thanks Sheri. I'd rather walk. Clear my mind.'

I watched Sheri. Her hair wasn't in its usual lush curls, and the bags under her eyes were clearly visible. She was still struggling after all this time. I still was. We were all still struggling. The storm Hannah had caused destruction none of us knew how to fix. And maybe some things weren't meant to be fixed. 

'I'll see you at school, Clay.'

I didn't respond, instead opting to look at the horizon. The waves of thunder were rolling in now and I would need to hurry if I wanted to make it home before the worst of the storm hit. The first drops of rain hit my face but I couldn't make myself stand up and leave. I wasn't sure if I felt better, or worse now that Sheri wanted to say sorry -genuinely- for all that had happened. If there had ever been anything between us, it was long since gone. At least for me. But would it be so bad to give someone a second chance? The rain was coming down hard and fast again now and I moved to stand, willing away the tears that formed in my eyes.

'Bye, Hannah.'

I touched the headstone briefly before making my way out of the graveyard. The sky darkened quickly and I regretted not having my bike with me. Maybe I should call Tony. No. I had already bothered him more than enough and he really seemed out of it this morning. He didn't need me with my trivial problems to add to all of his. I wanted to help, desperately so, but I could do nothing if I didn't know what was going on. The road in front of me was deserted. Illuminated by the faded yellow of the streetlight. It would at least be another half an hour of walking before I even made it back to my neighborhood. I would definitely be drowned by the time I got home, but it was better than spend another 15 minutes cramped with Sheri in her car. If Hannah was here she'd have probably made some snarky remark about my social capabilities, but then crack a joke to make me laugh. She was good at that, both insulting you and making you feel good at the same time. Definitely a gift I didn't possess. I knew I was incredibly awkward, and terrible at every form of social interaction. My sneakers were soaked to the core and I was slopping around as if in a small personal pool. I tried to keep up the pace, for I was afraid that if I stopped I might drown. Was this how Hannah felt in her final moments? When she finally stopped, and the waves engulfed her. I shuddered. No. Shouldn't think about that. I forced myself to think about Tony instead. How sweet he had been last night. How he had held me tightly, stroking my back. How he had stayed the night, and I had slept well for the first time in weeks. I faltered when I remembered how cold and distant he was today. Unwilling to tell me anything, hurrying to get away from me. Of course, he was still sweet and caring Tony. Getting me breakfast, taking me to school. But aside from that, he just seemed eager to get away from me after his 'duties'. What if he was eager to get away from me? If I was just holding him back, preventing him from doing what he wanted to do. I had claimed a lot of time from him lately. Maybe he was just sick and tired of me. I was so occupied with my thoughts that I hadn't noticed the car pulling up behind me. I turned around. A flash of red in the dark night. Tony. A figure appeared.

'Clay?'

'Tony?'

Moments later I was engulfed in a hug. Cool leather against my wet clothes. I returned the hug, immediately feeling better than I had all day.


	7. Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously:
> 
> Moments later I was engulfed in a hug. Cool leather against my wet clothes. I returned the hug, immediately feeling better than I had all day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so incredibly sorry I haven't updated in ages. I had a lot of back problems and I really wasn't feeling up to sitting and writing (turns out sitting is incredibly difficult after lower back surgery). But now I'm lying down and typing at the slowest tempo. I really wanted to continue this story though. I hope you all enjoy and I will update more regularly after this.

'Oh thank god. Clay. I had no idea where you were. I've been trying to reach you all afternoon.'  
At that moment I felt so relieved I could cry like a baby. Clay was safe, and in my arms. I wanted to slap myself for being so neglectful of him today. He needed me. Well, I wasn't even sure he needed me. He probably didn't. I needed him. I needed him so badly. I hugged him a little tighter before letting go, eyeing him. He looked like a drenched puppy.

'Clay, you're soaked. Get in the car before you get sick.'

I pushed him to the passengers side of my Mustang and then quickly shrugged out of my jacket before settling in behind the steering wheel. 

'Take this.'

I gave him my jacket. Clay nodded gratefully and didn't even protest like he usually did when I offered it to him. For a moment I thought I saw him smiling as he burrowed himself in my jacket, but it was gone as soon as I blinked. 

'Are you okay? Clay? I was so worried.'

'I'm okay. I eh...'

'You don't have to say anything if you don't want to tell.'

I wanted him to tell though, desperately so. I wanted to know why he was so upset, drenched and so far away from the city. I wanted to know why he hadn't texted or called me. Why he was walking alone in the rain and thunder. Why he had left school so soon. If he had been to classes at all today. Had he been alone, or was he with someone. Was he seeing someone? My mind raced and I clenched the steering wheel tightly while trying to push away the sudden burning jealousy I felt at the thought of him being with someone else. I needed to calm down. Clay was here, back safely. And he would be okay, I would make sure of that. 

'Sheri wanted to talk. So we went to see Hannah.'

Sheri, that bitch. For months she hadn't even looked Clay in the eye and now she suddenly wanted to talk? I knew I was overreacting but I couldn't help it. I knew about her and Clay, he had told me a few weeks ago. I had been angry then but I thought it was over. And now here she was trying again. Being a bad influence and generally an annoying person.

'What'd she want?'

I tried my best not to sound angry or upset, instead opting to turn the key and driving back to the city, needing something else to focus on. I watched Clay from the corner of my mind, and turned up the heat of the car. I did it for Clay, not for me. No. My blood was boiling and my forehead damp. 

'She wanted to say sorry for everything.'

'A bit late don't you think?'

Clay was silent. I had bitten out the words way more harshly than I intended to. I immediately regretted it but I couldn't help it. I had spent the entire afternoon worrying and chasing and now I found out that Clay had been getting chummy with Sheri instead. I wanted to punch something -her specifically-. I sped up and raced through the outskirts of the city. Clay's eyebrows were furrowed and his mouth in a firm line. Shit. I had hurt him. He was only trying his best. He was only being sweet and kind Clay.

'Clay... I.'

'I know Tony, I know she's terribly late with a genuine apology and I don't know what to think of it either.'

'I'm sorry for being so harsh.'

'No harm done, Tony. Trust me.'

I was relieved only Clay's eyebrows remained furrowed and his body tense. I could see that despite the heat in the car he was shivering and his hair still dripping. I was still raging inside but I forced it away, not wanting Clay to become the victim of my unjustified jealousy. 

'My house is closer, you can shower and sleep there. I'll call your parents and let them know.'

'But...'

'No buts, you need to get out of these wet clothes and have a warm shower or you'll get sick.'

Clay nodded reluctantly and I took a sharp left to circle back to my house just outside the city. Clay didn't stop by often. While my parents liked him well enough -my mom adored him- I always felt a tiny bit ashamed at the modest, tiny house I lived in while Clay practically lived in a mansion. I liked my house, and I loved my family but I always felt like I had to defend where I came from, even when I knew Clay didn't care one bit. I pulled into the driveway and quickly got out to open the garage door. Clay stayed in the car. I drove us into the warmth of my home. 

'Come on.'

I got out of the car and Clay followed suit. The house was deserted. Everyone off to god knows where. I didn't mind it though. Maybe Clay would feel less awkward about staying here that way. Even despite all the shit that had been today I was glad I was with Clay another night. That he could sleep soundly once more, and that I could spend more time with him. I led him through the kitchen and upstairs. Pointing out the bathroom and my room. 

'Go take a shower. I'll find you some dry clothes.'

As I watched him disappear around the corner and finally let out the rage that had been burning inside me the entire ride home. Seconds later I punched the wall next to me with and incredible force.


	8. Clay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time: 'Seconds later I punched the wall next to me with and incredible force.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now a little bit earlier than a month before the new chapter. If you have any comments, tips or things you'd like to see in the story don't hesitate to comment. I love hearing from all of you. I hope you like it!

I did as Tony told me. I was to cold and too tired to argue at this point. More than glad to be in a hot shower soon. I closed the wooden door behind me and moments later I heard a loud thud. Half of me wanted to go check, see what happened. If anything was wrong with Tony. But the other half longed for the hot shower. Tony would manage. I slipped out of my soaking wet clothes and shoes and turned on the shower. Within seconds scalding hot water engulfed me and it took all I had not to moan in pleasure. What had I been thinking. I should've just driven back with Sheri. I knew it would rain like this, instead like the socially awkward guy I was, I walked. Thank god for Tony. Sweet Tony. He took care of me when I couldn't even take care of myself. I wondered why he always went the extra mile to help me out, but I supposed it was just in his nature. Always helping others. Even with the tapes, he had been so devoted to honoring Hannah's wish. And then in the end opting to help out her parents as well, even if it meant defying his promise to Hannah. When he hugged me I felt so relieved, and when he handed me his jacket I couldn't stop smiling like an idiot. I was almost afraid to admit it to myself, but I knew I had way more than just friendship feelings towards Tony. How else could I explain my heart doing somersaults whenever I was near. And how I only slept well when he was close. 

'Clay? You okay? I put some clothes just outside the door.'

'Thanks. I'm good. I'll be out in a sec.'

'Take your time.'

I stuck my head fully under the shower head and basked in the warmth before reaching out for some soap. As soon as I opened the dark green bottle I knew this was Tony's. It smelled just like him. Musky, warm. Delicious. I stopped myself right there. No. I can't go do this. I can't. I won't destroy the only friendship I had left. There was too much at stake. And what if it would be just like with Hannah. That I had it all for a moment and then utterly and hopelessly destroyed it. Killed it. Killed her. Literally. I felt tears well up but blinked them away. This wasn't the time and place. Suddenly I desperately felt the need to be close to Tony. I quickly rinsed off the remaining soap and got out of the shower. A few minutes later I was dressed in the warm and dry clothes Tony had left for me. I identified the shirt as one of Tony's favorite. A deep burgundy sweater with sleeves to the elbow. It always looked great on him, and it must be such a disappointment on me. With slightly pink cheeks I slipped into the pair of underwear that was next on the small bundle of clothes. The last piece of clothing was a pair of joggers I didn't recognize, but it must be one of his as well. I left the bathroom in a hurry, not bothering to look at my expression in the mirror, knowing full well it would make me even more unhappy. 

The only light came from Tony's room. The door slightly ajar and soft music floating from within. I opened the door. Seeing Tony sit at the desk, next to an impressive stereo. The music was soft and sweet, quite unlike what he usually played in the car. I coughed awkwardly.

'Thanks for letting me borrow the clothes.'

'No problem.'

Tony whirled around in his chair and faced me. His eyes first searching my face and then traveling down my body agonizingly slowly. I shifted on my feet, unsure of what to do. 

'This shirt looks better on you. You should keep it.'

'No I couldn't possibly. Besides it looks great on you. I always love when you wear this shirt.'

Had I overstepped my boundaries? I watched the boy in front of me anxiously but his eyes glistened and a faint smile played on his lips.

'Have you eaten yet? I'm sure you haven't. I'll make you something. You need to get warm.'

'Oh no. I wouldn't...'

'I insist.'

Tony got out of the chair and all but dragged me down to the kitchen, pushing me to sit on one of the chairs at the tiny dining table while he bustled around. I watched him, again. His hair had gotten slightly disheveled from the rain and his shirt was still only half dry. He hadn't bothered to change it. As he reached up to get something from the upper cabinet I could see a hint of his stomach peeking out from out of his shirt. Damn. I didn't know he had muscles like that. 

'Enjoying the show?'

'I... Eh...'

Oh god. 

'Calm down, Clay. Just making a joke.'

I smiled, desperately trying to hide how fast my heart was beating and how shocked I was that he had called me out. I was looking. Ogling more like it. I couldn't help it. Thoughts I never knew I had, or I buried unconsciously were coming up and I hardly knew what to do with it. This friendship was too important to ruin. He was one of the few people I had left I could really depend on.

'Hey Clay. You okay? I honestly was just making a joke. I'm sorry.'

'No, no don't be. I'm sorry.'

'I don't mind you looking, though.'


	9. Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time: 
> 
> 'I don't mind you looking, though.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the huge pause, I lost track of this story altogether but definitely back now! This chapter is a bit of a recap, as I need to get into the story myself again as well, from here one out the chapters won't overlap this much anymore. As for season two that came out recently, I will not be following the events of season two in this story, instead I will try to create something new. Hope you guys like it!

Punching the wall made me feel better, only slightly though. Only a hug from Clay would really make me feel better. I had rushed to my room afterwards to grab Clay some clothes. I didn't want to admit it, but the thought of Clay wearing one of my shirts made my heart burn in mad desire. No, I couldn't think about that right now. Not with all the worry -and relief- still flooding my system. I wanted to be mad at Clay for being so irresponsible, but I couldn't find it in my heart to do so. The anger, well. The anger had been jealousy more than anything. Even the thought of Sheri being near Clay made my blood boil, but I had to let that go. I had no claim over Clay, sadly. I picked out one of my favorite shirts, a pair of boxers and a pair of joggers that would certainly be too short for Clay's long legs. But neither of us would mind. I gently knocked on the door to the bathroom, suddenly reminded of the fact that Clay must've surely heard me hit the wall. 

'Clay? You okay? I put some clothes just outside the door.'

'Thanks. I'm good. I'll be out in a sec.'

'Take your time.'

I tried not to imagine Clay in the tiny bathroom, showering. I couldn't though, the images would surely follow me as soon as I went to sleep. In a desperate attempt to get my mind of things I shuffled back into my room and put on some music before settling behind my desk and rubbing my eyes. Clay. Always on my mind. My mad search for him this afternoon had made me realize that I would not be able to hide my feelings for Clay any longer. I had to tell him tonight, even if the thought alone made me want to rush out of the house and drive straight into space. A cough shook me out of my frantic reverie. 

'Thanks for letting me borrow the clothes.'

'No problem.'

Sweet jesus. The shirt looked better on him than I could ever imagine, it looked... Natural. As if he always spent time around my house, in my room, chilling in my clothes. My heart warmed at the mere thought of that. I hoped, that one day maybe that would be our reality but I was too nervous to even think about that. That was all about my wishes, my wants, my needs. I knew I always needed to put Clay first. Odds were, Clay would have no feelings for me whatsoever and I would just have to suck it up. And I would, gladly so, if it meant I could still be around Clay. Telling him that I liked him -loved him- was a huge risk, but not telling him wasn't an option anymore. I wouldn't be able to hide something like that, I knew he already suspected something, even with him being as oblivious as he was. I focussed on Clay again, taking the time to memorize the image in front of me before speaking up. 

'This shirt looks better on you. You should keep it.'

'No I couldn't possibly. Besides it looks great on you. I always love when you wear this shirt.'

I couldn't help but smile at that, oh how oblivious Clay was. And how I loved him for it. Clay wasn't shivering anymore but I knew he needed a hot meal to feel better after being in that awful storm. 

Have you eaten yet? I'm sure you haven't. I'll make you something. You need to get warm.'

'Oh no. I wouldn't...'

'I insist.'

With Clay behind me I made way for the kitchen and started getting supplies as the gangly boy went to sit at the dining table. I wanted to talk about Sheri, and his afternoon more but I knew that would only result in Clay getting closed off and emotional again, so as I prepared some food I thought about how I would tell him that I liked him. There was always the simple 'I like you', but that felt wrong in all kinds of ways. My feelings for Clay weren't as simple as that, they had never been. No simple words could describe exactly how Clay Jensen made me feel, and our history wasn't exactly simple either. I needed to tread carfully since the situation we were in was anything from normal. I didn't even knew if Clay could ever like guys, or me for that matter. And there was Hannah. Always Hannah. Even in the afterlife, Hannah made a point of torturing every minute of my existence. I knew that wasn't a fair thing to think but how could a dead girl make my life this difficult? I loved Hannah, in my own way. And I had always wanted to honor her wishes, but I felt as if it was time to at least try to get back at somrthing that resembled a 'normal' life, I knew Clay needed that as well, desperately so. The events from a year ago had been scarring enough already, we needed to enter a time of healing. I became aware of burning eyes all of the sudden, and I looked around to find Clay looking at my exposed abdomen. For a moment I felt as if my eyes were deceiving me, but no. Clay Jensen was checking me out, and my heart raced at the notion. Suddenly feeling daring I lowered my arms slowly and said something I never thought I would say to Clay.

'Enjoying the show?'

'I... Eh...'

Clay's cheeks reddened and mine did as well, but not from embarassment, no. From pride. There it was. Suddenly, and unexpectedly so, Clay did something to make me gain a small bit of hope that there might be a future for us romantically. I couldn't think about that though, Clay wasn't feeling pride, he was embarassed and probably not in a good way. 

'Calm down, Clay. Just making a joke.'

Clay didn't respond, his eyes cast downwards, inspecting the kitchen table with a sudden interest. His cheeks were still red and I could see his fists clenched under the table. I wasn't sure how to proceed, worry flooding my mind just as harshly as the pride had mere moments ago. Clay was the most important, but then again, he didn't seem to be angry or anything, despite his clenched fists the look in his eyes was soft and questioning. I needed to make sure he was alright though. 

'Hey Clay. You okay? I honestly was just making a joke. I'm sorry.'

'No, no don't be. I'm sorry.'

He unclenched his fists and I felt relieved. The relief daring me to take it one step further, and perhaps one step too far. I couldn't help myself though. Spurred on yet again by hope. 

'I don't mind you looking, though.'

Clay spluttered and looked utter flabbergasted at my words. He tried to form words several times and I knew I would have to tell him about my feelings right then and there. I turned around and took the pan off the stove before moving to sit next to Clay at the kitchen table. I tried to stay calm but I felt myself getting nervous as well. 

'I need to tell you something, Clay. Something I should've told you a lot earlier. And I'm sorry that I didn't, but I didn't want to ruin our friendship and I didn't want to put you in a tough spot. You are always my priority and I want to do everything to make you feel as safe and comfortable as possible...'

Clay was listening intenly, his doe-like eyes wide and curious and the redness fading from his cheeks as he realized I was saying something important. I was spurred on by his small nod. 

'However, it's not good for either of us that I keep this a secret. I know it might sound egoistical, and I feel bad that it might even be egoistical, but I can't not say it...'

'Tell me then, Tony. You are the least egoistical person I know, I doubt that what you want to say will change that.'  
'I like you Clay, not just as a friend. I've liked you for a long time. I have loved you for a long time. You are the most important person in my life and I want to take care of you and be with you. And I know you probably won't feel the same way, and that's okay because I can still be your friend. I will never do anything to jeopardize that. I care for you too much for that, so whatever happens just know I'm always there for you, in whatever way you feel comfortable with, that is if you still want me to.'


	10. Clay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time: 
> 
> 'I like you Clay, not just as a friend. I've liked you for a long time. I have loved you for a long time. You are the most important person in my life and I want to take care of you and be with you. And I know you probably won't feel the same way, and that's okay because I can still be your friend. I will never do anything to jeopardize that. I care for you too much for that, so whatever happens just know I'm always there for you, in whatever way you feel comfortable with, that is if you still want me to.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, hope you guys like it!

I felt a whole new range of emotions I didn't think I still had, not after Hannah passed away anyway. I felt like laughing, crying, puking, a bit of all of the above? I had only gotten around to just toying with the idea that I might like Tony more than just as a friend but this brought on a whole new level of emotions, feelings and doubts. I almost couldn't believe what he just said, maybe I had been mistaken maybe it was just my cruel and wicked mind playing games with me. Just like the Hannah I still saw from time to time, forcing me to feel things I wasn't ready to feel. I knew I needed to say something though, anything because Tony's expression became increasingly worried and sad. 

'Tony, I...'

'You don't have to say anything Clay. Whatever happens I'll manage. And I know it was crazy of me to say it. And maybe even more crazy for me to think that we could ever be something. I just want us to be something, so badly.'

Tony was still standing next to the stove, arms crossed over his chest and eyes cast downwards. Tony hadn't been this blunt and open about anything since we talked on top of the cliff back when Hannah hadn't been gone all that long. He had been strong then, resillient, calm. This time around he seemed anxious and the longer I watched him the more I noticed how unsure his stance was. He was fidgeting with his shirt, tapping his foot on the floor and breathing rather raggedly. All of the sudden I could just connect with him. Really connect. I felt like I just had a glimpse of a side of Tony he almost never showed, and my heart started racing instantly. I was unsure though, so unsure and having to open up to Tony about all this made my palms sweat and my eyes water. I had never been good at social interactions and the last time I opened up to someone this way, well it went badly. I tried to push Hannah from my mind but I just became overwhelmed by it then. Hannah had been all my fault, all because I pushed her into doing things and feeling things she wasn't ready for. 

'Clay are you okay?'

I tried to nod but the panic just kept rising and my heart kept beating faster and faster. I knew more than anyone this wasn't the same situation at all but I couldn't help it. I couldn't help freaking out, bigtime. I tried to go down to the core, my core. I tried to reach out through all the panic in order to give Tony an answer, any answer. 

'I don't... I'm not okay, I think. I mean I am, but I'm also freaking out. Bigtime.'

'Tell me?'

Tony's eyebrows were raised slightly, his posture rigid but I could see the concern in his eyes. He was worried. Worried that I didn't want to be friends with him anymore? Worried that I didn't like him? Did I though? I had only just realized myself that I might be feeling more for him than just friendship. I never even knew that I was capable of liking a guy. It all seemed so, right, though. Of course it was, Tony had always been there for me, always supporting -even in somewhat questionable ways-, always caring. If it should be anyone, it should be Tony. But why did it feel like betrayal to Hannah? Had I really loved Hannah, could one love more people romantically in a lifetime, what if I was the kind of person that always kept pining after 'the one'. The one that could be, the one that was, or the one that had been. I couldn't deny the feelings I had for Tony though. There was an abundance of feelings for Tony, even if it wasn't clear if they were romantical or not. I settled on one answer, one I knew I was true even if I was unsure of everything else. 

'I don't want to lose you, Tony.'

The boy next to me shifted in his chair before moving to place his hand on my hands in my lap. He squeezed my hands lightly before straightening up again and coughing. I couldn't help but notice how warm his hand had been, and how loving his movement. 

'You won't. No matter what happens. I don't want to lose you either. I meant it when I said I would stay with you as a friend or as something more as long as I get to stay with you. You... You mean a lot to me Clay, more than you realize.'

I felt like I wanted to cry. The sudden overload of emotions, of feelings. It had been so long since I felt anything like this, since anyone had said anything like this. If ever? My parents of course, but that was different. Different from Tony. Tony. Sweet, caring Tony. How could I not love him? How could anyone not love him. I knew my emotions were getting the better of me and I tried to supress a yawn. Tony noticed. 

'I'll call your mother, tell her you'll sleep here. You can take my bed, I'll sleep on the couch. Come on, go on. We'll talk about this later, there's plenty of time.'

'I couldn't take your bed, Tony. I'll just call my mom to pick me up.'

'No, I insist. You've had a rough day you need the rest, not another long car ride. Please, just, for me?'

Tony got up from the chair and got his phone from his pocket and dialed the number to my mom's phone. I waited at the table, unsure of whether I should just go upstairs or wait it out. The dinner stood forgotten on the corner of the stove and I felt bad for ruining all of Tony's good intentions. I listened to Tony talking to my mother, his voice was professional but ever so kind. The voice that got me on edge whenever he used it on me, it was the kind of voice that commanded respect but also made you glad to just be in the presence of someone so confident and sweet. I had no idea how he did it though, I always managed to sound like a mumbling potato whenever I was on the phone, something that annoyed my parents to no end. It felt good to let go of the panicky feelings that had been engulfing me just minutes ago, I hadn't even noticed that I wasn't as panicked anymore. Tony had that effect on people I supposed. 

'Alright, your mom says it's all good. Do you want some food before you sleep, won't take me long to finish?'

'No. I'm not really hungry anymore, thank you though, Tony. I'm sorry for all the trouble.'

'It's never any trouble for you.'

My cheeks flamed a bright red and I nearly fell out of my chair. No it wasn't an earth shattering comment but it meant a great deal to me. It made my heart tingle and my breath race. Unsure what to do, I mumbled a quick goodnight and trudged up the stairs to Tony's room. Before long I was snuggled in the bed. The sheets smelled like Tony and it made my cheeks burn even hotter. It was nice though, and I couldn't help but smile.


	11. Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time: 'The sheets smelled like Tony and it made my cheeks burn even hotter. It was nice though, and I couldn't help but smile.'

The world felt infinitely lighter now that the big word was out. I had told Clay I loved him, and it hadn't even gone that badly. It could have gone better, way better, but also way worse. Clay seemed genuinely at a loss for words, but that he was afraid of losing me meant so much to me in an incredibly silly way. It made my heart flutter and my spirits reach an all time high. I didn't finish cooking and instead plopped onto the couch and sighed. For a moment I allowed myself to daydream about what could be. Walking hand in hand with Clay to school, kissing him in the car. Kissing him on the bed. No, dangerous thoughts. I got the tv remote and started surfing through the channels with a mild disinterest, my thoughts once more slipping back to Clay. Clay's mother had been happy to hear that Clay would be out for a night, and I had the sinking feeling that she desperately wished for him to get back to a normal life. 

Before long I started worrying about everything though. What if I had put it the wrong way? Would he think I had been lusting after him all along or would he know that it was a genuine feeling of deep love. I hadn't felt this self conscious in ages and it worried me to no end. What if Clay had misunderstood me? What if he was scared? My body was reacting to my thoughts instinctively and before long I was standing in front of my own bedroom door, listeing if Clay was already asleep. I opened the door slowly and quietly, half wishing he was still awake and half hoping he was not. The room was dark.

'Tony?'

'Clay I'm sorry... I was just... Checking if you were okay.'

There was a long silence and I heard the rustling of sheets as I felt sweat trickle down my neck just a little bit. I hated being this nervous, and I hated not being able to do something about it. My stomach was doing somersaults and I suddenly realized I hadn't been quite in love like this ever before. There had been loads of boyfriends -well, loads, enough- but it had never felt quite like this. I was still worried so I started talking hastily.

'I just want you to know, I'm not a pervert or anything, I wanted to be your friend long before I started having feelings for you. And my feelings, these feelings run deep. Deeper than both of us realize I think.'

'Tony?'

'Yeah.'

'Please come sleep with me?'

I nodded, not even realizing Clay wouldn't be able to see in the dark. I hastily made my way to the bed, and watched as Clay scooted over so I could lie next to him. I slid under the blankets and faced Clay, his eyes were barely noticable in the dark but I could see him watching me, searching my face just as I searched his. He didn't look scared or anxious, if anything just a little bit sleepy. I was wide awake, my whole body tingling from being so close to Clay yet again. 

'I'm sorry I woke you.'

'You didn't, I couldn't sleep.'

'Nightmares?'

'Among other things.'

'Do you want to talk about it?'

Clay was silent, and in a moment of newfound confidence I shifted closer, slipping my arm across his waist. Clay shuddered, but moved a little bit closer as well, resting his forehead against my shoulder. I didn't dare speak so we lay there in silence. I listened to his slow breathing and inhaled the scent that was so uniquely Clay. I tried to recall the past few days, combing through my memories for any signs that would give me more confidence that Clay felt the same way I felt about him. There had been... Questions. Clay had been way more interested in a lot of the things I did lately than he ever did before. But that could be in just a friendly way as well though. Still, he had been interested in my love life. Again, could still be meant in a friendly way. With Clay most things were a mystery and it was both appealing and incredibly difficult. Clay leaned back a little bit and I opened my eyes.

'I'm not sure about anything at the moment Tony, but I think... No, I know that this feels nice and this helps. It helps when you hug me, when you touch me.'

'I'm glad.'

I shifted onto my back and pulled Clay closer to me. Clay moved instinctively, laying his head on my chest and his hand on my stomach. I hugged him even closer, kissing the crown of his head. There was so much to talk about, but for now I just wanted to bask in this moment and hope it would never end. Clay wedged one of his legs between mine in an attempt to get closer and I couldn't help but sigh in relief. He wanted this as well, he needed to be close to me as well. Without really wanting to, I fell asleep almost instantly. 

'Sleep well, Tony.'


	12. Clay

I listened to Tony's deep breathing for what seemed like forever, lulled in some kind of hazy trance. It felt so calming to listen to his heart beating in his chest right next to my ear. Being like this, it changed something and something inside me clicked. It felt weird to consider myself liking a boy, but then again Tony wasn't just a boy and perhaps I wouldn't have fallen for just any boy. No, Tony was something different entirely. I'd liked girls, I'd loved girls -Hannah-. I briefly wondered how Hannah would feel about this, were she still alive. But if she were still alive, would I still be in this position? Crushed against Tony's chest? Maybe then I would have been with Hannah. All that felt like a distant memory now though, a hazy dream of what once could have been. Maybe I would still have ended up loving Tony, even if she was still around. I tried not to think about the what-if's but the morbid sensation of realizing that Hannah could have changed my entire life was chilling. A world with Hannah would have been a better one. A world where I could be there for her and we could all be happy. Would Tony have been happy then, though? Did he love me even before Hannah passed away? 

I shifted uncomfortably. There were so many things I didn't know. So many things I wanted to know, and so many things I was better off never knowing. I tried to remember my Mother's guidance cd's about living in the moment. Just breathing, relaxing and feeling your environment. It helped me to breathe. Tony. I could focus on Tony. Just the raven haired boy next to me, without all the worry and the questions. I opened my eyes and tried to sneak a look upwards in the dark. I could see his hair shining in the sunlight, and faintly make out the stubble on his chin. He was handsome, that much was true. He'd always had plenty of admirers, both boys and girls. Boys seemed to love that while he was short he was tough and strong. And girls seemed to fall for his boyish smile and dark eyes. I was falling for the whole thing, and even more so for him just being him. Tender, caring, friendly. 

During the whole drama with the tapes I had resented Tony, accused him and perhaps even hated him but in the end all he did was to protect me, and protect Hannah's secrets, ever selflessly. He had made mistakes then, stumbled, lost his way and regained it again. Just as he helped me regain my bearings -for as much as that was possible-. I was thankful for him, I knew my parents were as well. The slippery slope to a depression was still ever present but with Tony a weight always seemed to lift of my shoulders. I snuggled against Tony's chest and breathed in his scent before drifting to sleep. 

The next morning I awoke, feeling more well rested than I had felt in months. For a moment I just basked in the pleasure of a wonderful night's sleep, but as soon as I felt movement from behind me I froze. Tony. 

During the night I had shifted away from Tony, and he had moved behind me, cuddling me. I was acutely aware of his whole body lined up with mine. We were touching everywhere. One hand was on my hip and the other beneath my head. Tony's whole body seemed to glow with heat and I could feel his warm breath against the back of my neck. The whole thing was so, so intimate and I felt my mouth go dry and my cheeks turn pink. For minutes I tried distracting myself reciting old preschool songs inside my head but nothing could distract me from Tony behind me. His hand was burning on my hip and I was painfully aware of a pressure against my lower back. I tried to recap the entire first Shrek movie, and then forced myself to imagine my grandmother naked. Nothing seemed to distract me though. After what felt like hours I felt Tony stir. For a moment I was relieved, but then panic set in. What would happen now?

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rough draft, I just adore the pairing and really needed to write it out. Filled with cliches but sweet most times. Let me know what you think!


End file.
